This snack is AMAZEBALLS. Moving is not.

Why is it that I’ve moved approximately one million times in five years? 

Oh wait. It’s because I make poor life decisions. #aintnobodygottimeforthat. 

It is absolutely incredible to me EVERY time I move, just how much shit i’ve managed to accumulate since my last poor life decision given that I owe my soul to Sallie Mae (and the parking ticket gods). Effing Clearance racks, aisles, tabs. They get me every time. (Don’t worry Mom, I’ll be sure to leave out the fact that I get that “savvy shopper” in me from you, since I’m now an “adult” that can make my own life decisions. Cue the line that reduces my guilt: “I may have spent $200 over my $25 budget, but just LOOK how much I’ve SAVED!!”. … Add one more box of shit to move. Go me. 

My newest roommate is a good friend of mine, and now an even better one for putting up with me (cough, my stuff). I may have taken over the entire two bedroom house with my belongings from an apartment. Well, the upside of having to live with me is that he’s basically now guaranteed a spot in heaven. You’re welcome. 😉 

PS The other day I got this great bargain at the Gap outlet. Pants that fit the rump. $20. How much did I save,  you wonder? Something around Fitty. SHAZAM.

 

Okay, now for the balls. So yum. In your mouth. Yea, my parents are super proud that I’m crass and have boy-like humor. 

Gather these goodies in a large mixing bowl:

1C Chocolate whey protein – I am in love with SFH. Their stuff has all the good stuff and none of the crappity crap ya don’t need in yo bodayy. Find their yummy goodness at http://www.sfh.com You’re welcome.

1C Dark cocoa powder

1tsp Course sea salt (this gives a nice zing on your tongue every couple of chews)

1/4C Roasted flax seeds

1/4C craisins

1/4C chopped roasted walnuts/or nuts of your choice

1/4C Dark chocolate covered cacao nibs and another 1/4C dark chocolate chips

Toss together with a fork. Or your fingers, preferably clean or covered with gloves.

Then add:

1/4C Organic raw honey 

1/2C Coconut oil

And mix it up!! If they’re too dry, then add a bit more coconut oil til preferred texture is reached. 

Scoop with a Tablespoon and ROLL these bad balls in your hands until combined. Place in a covered container, probably easier if you cover it AFTER you put your balls in. Then either freeze for future lovin, or refrigerate for at least a half hour. 

I love you too. 

 

The Classic Monday.

Rise n shine buttercup!! It’s Monday!!! 

Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Crap. No more room for snoozin. Snooze. 

Bark!

FINE Monday! (And pup) I’m up!! 

Getting ready…. I know! I’ll grab some jeans, cute shirt, Chucks, call it a classy day for this case manager. 😉 

Squeeeeeeze, squat, suck it innnn, squuuueeeeze, shake, squat and wiggle! Effing jeans. NEVER start a week with jeans fresh out of the dryer after a weekend of sandwiches, pizza, and other bad decisions in the form of carbonated beverages. Eh!! They need to be stretched out and broken back in again, so how about just a looser shirt. BAM. Disguise complete! 

Now for gas in the car, a quick inspection, then coffee, and a super focused case manager ready to wear her cape to save them there kiddos! 

Oh wait, except the gas attendant ran my card twice in a row and then again, and so BAM fraud suspect. Card frozen. So lets add a nice quick 15 minute conversation with the bank to explain that there is nothing fraudulent occurring at the gas station. Only frustration and a soon-to-be sassy girl if she has to wait much longer for her coffee, given that she stupidly vowed not to spend money on the stuff anymore and is going through withdrawals. Getting gas ended up taking ummm 20 minutes total. Thanks for being SO protective VISA. 

Next, inspection. “Sorry miss but we can’t do this because the rmv has something wrong with your registration.” Perfect. I’ve actually made sure my insurance is taken care of. BEFORE the registry gets pissy. And STILL, an issue. Let’s call the insurance company. On the way to get coffee, ’cause Lord Jeebus help me if I don’t get some coffee in my veins during these shenanigans. 

YES I went to Starbucks, step off me. I didn’t get anything fancy. My coffee maker is broken, thus the need to practice my Latte factor. 

Oh, did you think that the phone number I’ve always used for my car insurance would actually be functioning today. Before I’ve gotten my coffee. After I’ve been denied an inspection. And thankfully before I’ve completely lost my shit. Whyyyy do they keep sending me to another location and then to a number that doesn’t work. What. Is. This. Day?!

Coffee in hand. Thankjeebus.

No longer effing around. I am DRIVING to the insurance company and sitting my buns down til they say Sorry for starting your day like a hot pile of shit. And yes we’ll take care of everything. And NO you won’t have to spend a dime. 

Thank goodness someone felt this sassy woman coming with zesty coffee in hand before I even walked in the door. RIGHT about the time I was reminded by a kind friend that it wasn’t even 10am and so I MUST be able to turn it around. “Sure, Erin! We can take care of that! I’m so sorry that they didn’t take care of all of this for you on time. I’ll be sure to stay on the phone until they’ve cleared everything up and updated your file so you’re in the clear.” AMEN! There is a God! Or at least someone who doesn’t want to experience my full wrath of sass. 😉 

Woo! I’m on my way!! Gas in the car, coffee in the veins, insurance/reg all taken care of, ready to put on the cape! 

Thank goodness for that cape. Trust and BELIEVE I needed it! About 6 more hours in the day, the energy of a ten year old, and a bottle or two of wine wouldn’t hurt either. Phonecall, Erin so-and-so is failing all her classes. Email, Erin so-and-so is skipping classes and not bringing her letters home from school. Phonecall, Erin have you cured my child/created miracles/ready to return them since we’re just sick of this system shit. Email, Erin can you please let me know as;ldfkjas;dkfja;lfkgja;lskdfjaskldfj asap. SURE no problem. Efffff. Wooo-sah. Just a 2 more hours of this day. 

4 Hours later. Home. 🙂 

Given limited funds and the idea that looking to the bottom of a bottle for help isn’t exactly healthy, I traded that idea for some Clean sweet potato taco salad and a soda water. And a gluten free choc chunk cookie. Crap. 3. 3 gluten free cookies. Dammit Erin!!

 

Sweet Potato Taco Salad. You’re Welcome. 

Ingredients:

1 giant sweet potato, or 2-3 smaller taters, thinly sliced like chips. 

2 Tbl coconut oil, pinch sea salt, garlic, pepper

Toss it all up and Roast these taters in a 425 degree oven in a cast iron pan for 15 minutes. 

 

While this is cooking up yummy goodness in the oven, grab a saute pan! 

1 Tbl coconut oil

Half yellow bell pepper, diced

Half a yellow onion, diced 

1/2 lb ground white turkey meat

1/2 C tomato, diced

pinch sea salt, 1tsp cumin, 1 tsp garlic, 1 tsp crushed red pepper, handful chopped parsley

On medium heat, let your oil melt and saute the peppers and onions until tender/translucent. Add turkey meat, seasoned with above items. Cook thoroughly. Turn off heat, add chopped fresh parsley and fresh tomatoes. Toss. 

Once this is all set, Take your cast iron pan out of the oven, Shred a nice sharp cheese over the sweet potatoes (I used a smoked gouda/parm combo cheese) and then top it with the turkey/veg mixture. Finally plate a bed of butter lettuce and top it with your sweet potatoes and the rest of your taco fixins. Feel free to add avocado!! I just didn’t have one in the house 😦 

I wanted seconds and thirds, but obv had to leave room for cookie dough. what?

Strugglesofthefatgirlinskinnyjeans. 

TGFF. Thankgodforfood. It turned my Monday madness to “i don’t care what happened today if I can just keep eating this yummy goodness.” 

 

These things happen. Just try to drown your sorrows in the foods of champions, not fattybuns. 😉 

Let’s hope for a better Tuesday. 

 

KARMA Sharma.

What goes around comes around, right?? Then I must have really effed up in my past life! OR been far more wild and fun than I’ve ever been in this life. My hopes are that maybe I lived as a super rebel. Maybe one with a ton more tattoos, all totally gorgeous n B.A. One who was always chased by the boys, but NEVER the one doing the chasing. And NEVER said Yes to those rascals, but never said No to a dare. 

That’s the girl I must have been in my past life since Karma’s been biting my buns on a very consistent basis for a long time now! Lord knows I’m no angel, but geesh something’s gotta give!! Can I get an AMEN!? ha.

 

SO, my friends, what do we do when the shit hits the fan?! CLEAN. IT. UP. (gross.)

1. Oh, the gorgeous man with the six pack didn’t call when you thought he would? 

    Of course he didn’t. But did you really need him or that call to have an amazing night? Not. At. All. Plus, would you ever really want it to go any further with someone who can’t be up front, honest, and all around great? I’d hope not. Though my track record with the jerks is rough. Ha. Do what I say, not what I do? 

 

2. Lost your job? Been there. Roommate moved out unexpectedly and suddenly your bills double? Yep, been there too. Oh wait, I’ve had both happen at the same time! 

     This is when it comes in handy being a good person, an optimistic person, an “it will all work out” kind of person… who also takes anti-anxiety meds. Haha, totally ahead of the game with my bad luck. Oh, did you think you were gonna get me again Mr Bad Luck? I think not!! I will meditate the shit out of those negative thoughts!!..while also taking a daily dose of Calmthefuckdown. And cross my fingers. And pray to the Gods of dark chocolate, since they’re the only ones I see follow through every time. 

     After all that, I come up with a real plan. OK so clearly something wasn’t right with what I was doing and where I was in life. Life shifted and not so subtly told me it’s time for a change. So change I did!! I’ve started budgeting. I’ve been prioritizing; electricity bill over latest food products found at Whole Foods… most of the time. And sadly, I’ve stopped shopping for a while. Oh, and I started making coffee at home, despite how much I love being a Starbucks groupie. That was at least until the pot fell and shattered on my floor. 

     Again, I think I was totally badass in my past life. Eff you karma.

 

3. Remember that time you donated all your “fat” clothes because you SWORE you’d never wear them again??!

     The real question is, should I try to search for my old favorite jeans at the Salvation Army, and what are the chances that I’ll find them? Ya know, the ones that always welcomed my booty just the way it is, without judgment of my battle between dark chocolate and squats. Unfortunately, I’m thinking that I won’t ever find these jeans again, or fit in my skinnies. Praise jesus for yogis.

So in the words of my genius aunt, “buy pants that fit instead of crying over the ones that don’t!!”. I did it. I bought two pairs on Clearance (budget!!) so I’d feel comfortable with where I’m at now, while I’m working to get back into those damn skinnies. No heinous muffin top, no unbuttoning after dinner, and no sadness after trying on the same damn pair everyday hoping my thighs shrunk last night during that super active dream. Be good to you, wherever you are in your journey. 

 

And now, drumroll please. Something yummy for the fat kids that wanna eat like the skinnies. 

“CHOCOLATE PB” CHIA SEED PUDDING:

What you need:

1C chia seeds of choice

3 Tbl sunflower seed butter or all natural pb with sea salt

2 C dark chocolate almond milk 

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp fine sea salt

Mason jar 🙂 

Directions: Blend it all up without the Chia’s, then add this yummy mixture AND the seeds to your mason jar (or recycled jar of choice) and put in the fridge til manana!! You can also add dark chocolate covered cacao nibs for a little chocolately crunch!

I had some this morning with gluten free granola. Dessert or breakfast? Who cares! It’s packed with protein, fiber, and good carbs!! You’re welcome 😉 

 

 

 

Be good to YOU! We’ve all got time for that ;)

So, like most people, I try to come up with something good for my New Year’s Resolution. It usually turns into something along the lines of lose 15 of those sneaky L.B.’s, drop a pants size, stick with my workout, Start a new workout… Change myself in some physical way, shape, or form. WHAT>! Erin, smack yourself. Your resolution is to change who you are? Yea that sounds positive and uplifting. Knock it off. 

As many of you have probably assumed, I absolutely struggle with being a super foodie chocoholic who wishes I was more of a gym junkie, but mostly I love it cz it’s badass, I get sweaty, and my tshirt collection has grown tenfold without having to steal from bf’s or roommates (whoops) and thank god for that given that I’m lacking in both of those departments efffffml.

So here it is. Instead of focusing just on the fact that YES I’d love to fit into my skinny jeans from when I lifted 6 days a week, sometimes doing two-a-days and ate ZERO exciting things off my paleo diet, and YES I’d love it if I got half as much attention as I did 20 lbs ago, and OF COURSE I’d love to have the confidence to wear whatever the fuck I wanted cz my muffin tops only existed in the oven where they belong….. drum roll… I will be good to myself. YEP! That’s the effing winner here guys. For my new year’s resolution, I will be good to myself. And I suggest you do the same!

For me, this means a few things. 

1. Finding balance. This has always been a struggle for me but dammit I will keep trying to figure this one out if it kills me. Well, not if it kills me ’cause then I definitely failed. I’ve been on one end of the spectrum, where my love/hate relationship with food and weight had me pushing a buck ninety, I hated looking at myself in the mirror, hated trying on clothes, and hated how I felt after I ate 9 out of 10 times. I decided to make a change and found the other end of the spectrum. I weighed 145lbs for the first time in 10 years, and was uber healthy. But was it too much? My close friends thought so. My family thought so. I was addicted to this new Me, and the attention I got, and the challenge of getting thinner and keeping up with my then bf and his habits. Now here I am. I’m back in the gym, and eating clean MOST of the time. I’m working on finding the middle ground, where I’m happy with how I feel and how I look without reaching either extreme. BALANCE. Shit is tough. 

 

2. Acceptance. I recently had dinner with my aunts and was talking about the difference in the attention I received as “Skinny Erin” vs Ummm lets call it “Curvy Erin” 😉 Quite honestly, it’s upsetting. The difference isn’t hugely drastic, but enough to notice. Are guys really that shallow? Hell, am I really that shallow?! Should I wish I was still so thin because I got more attention, or be happy that I’m not attracting the guys who only noticed me before?? MOVE ALONG homies, MOVE ALONG!!! Ain’t nobody got time for that 😉 

I have been lucky enough over the past few years to become really close with a handful of truly incredible people. People who make you see the best in yourself are the people you should surround yourself with! It is these people who will show you the person you are that they love so much!! ACCEPT who you are and be your best SELF. If you want change for yourself, make sure it is healthy change to make a better version of yourself, not a different version. I’ve accepted that my ass will ALWAYS be a big ol’ badonk. That one was easy. It’s beautiful. Ha! And I’m working on accepting the other little things about my physical self as they’re just the shell of my beautiful inner self 🙂 I will work to be healthy and I will work to be better, but I will not change who I am. Be your best SELF, no one else! 

3. Making the better decision. 

We all do this. Should I really keep watching tv or should I get up and go for a walk. Get up homes, get up! Should I eat this ice cream that I’ve wanted all week?? Of course you should! But not the whole gallon. And not by yourself in the closet. Haha. 

I am deciding to make a conscious effort to make that better decision. I want to read before bed rather than watch tv. It’s better for sleep, for the mind, for the soul. I want to take the longer walk with the pup even when the weather is crap. He’s getting used to it, and I should too. And I want to take that time needed with my girls! Celebrate our friendships and our time together, rather than mope about the losers who blew us off or never called. Make the better decision for yourself!!

4. Last one. Keep on writing!!! I’m the WORST with being consistent for more than short period of time. I LOVE to write and I love to share my thoughts and motivating moments as well as the hilarious ones about me failing in the dating world or battle against chocolate. It’s all in good fun, with positive spirits, and hopes of reaching out to people who feel the same way I do and just want to know they’re not the only one. With all that mushy gush, I swear to try my very best to stay regular. Um, with my writing. I don’t think sharing the rest would be appropriate 😉 

 

 

Remember, we’re all dealing with our own “stuff”. For me, I’m finding my balance. You may not see much difference in the pictures above, but for me they capture two very different times in my life and I’m working on finding that middle ground. All while being totally awesome and sharing my stories with you 🙂 

 

Things that make you go Mmmmm!!!

Happy Monday! Well, it’s happy for me because unlike most people I have Mondays off. Na na na poo poo.

I’ve decided to start my week with being amazing in the kitchen. And then sharing the amazeballs that is my cooking with you fiiine readers. First, however, I have compiled a short list of fantastic things, ridiculous things, and all in all things that make you go Mmmm.

1. Well, for all you ladies (eh, gentlemen too) that love a lil half naked muscley man show, hear me when I say AMEN to one of my favorite perks of returning to my Crossfit gym. “Oh no it’s so hot in here. You guys should probably all take your shirts off now.” 🙂 Preferably not while I’m mid-lift so I don’t face smash the bar, or better yet, the floor. I need zero help in getting hurt.

2. Dark Chocolate. My newest love is a brand called TCHO out of San Fran. A good friend of mine has upped himself to my top five with his latest gift of TWO 3lb bags of this snazzy stuff, one of cacao nibs and the other dark chocolate drenched cacao nibs. Shit’s delicious!! AND nutritious. Get. Out.

3. Tea tree oil. WARNING: Do NOT get this in your eyes. They’re liking to combust, or melt, or at least feel like they’re doing both simultaneously. Anyway, as it turns out, it’s fantastic for your skin! And for those of you who have skin like mine, ya know, the kind that’s under the impression that it is STILL going through puberty, you’ll thank me. I use it with jojoba oil; 2 parts Jojoba to 1 part Tea tree = bam shazam clean face sans chemicals and nastiness.

4. Nice people: As it turns out, there’s a WHOLE BUNCH of you nicey-pants out there!! (Thank goodness we outweigh those assnecks). I have had the pleasure of having people come into my life that are really just inspirational, positive, and kind. Most of them are also hilarious, and let’s be serious, this is why I love them the most.

5. Assnecks. This is more of an effyouforbeingmean than a Mmmm. Honestly though, I’ll never understand people who go out of their way to be rude, critical, or judgmental of others. I’m also not a fan of those who only care about themselves. YousuckloveErin.

6. Peanut butter. I miss you and will continue to miss you everyday until this damn Paleo Challenge is over. DAMN YOU peanuts for being a legume. What’s a leguuume? Haha crossfitters who love that video will laugh at that. Everyone else will think I actually don’t know what a damn legume is.

7. EGGSSSSS I love youuu from my head. Allll the way down to my legs. And damn, that’s a lot given that you have to pass that badonk to get to the legs. You can be fried, scrambled, poached, baked, naked, dressed with veggies n stuff, it ain’t no thang, no matter what, you are incredibabble.

8. Farmers markets. I will miss youuuu as the fresh veggie season is quickly coming to a halt. Til next market season, it’s important to keep those veggies stocked in the kitchen!! Even if they’re from the supermarket rather than the farmers market.

9. Eating Clean!! (most of the time) I know I’m the cupcake queen, but I also know that I feel my BEST when I’m eating clean, training mean, and being my very best self. Find that balance friends! And be GOOD to yourself. Treat yourself with your favorites, but make some new favorites too!

10. MY RECIPES!!!! You know they make you go Mmmm!!!

On that note, let’s take a look at that delicious breakfast scramble I cooked up.

For me, staying prepared is the best way to stay focused on my goals and eating well. I eat my emotions: read happy, sad, stressed, anxious, etc. Haha so I need to make sure my kitchen is packed with wholesome goodness!! AND that goodness also happens to need to be Packed and ready to go! Lazy bones.

Here’s what you’ll need for this quick grab n go breakfast. When you’re all done you can feed a family, or cut it up in servings n package them up, ready to heat n eat!!

Gather your goodies:

1/2 C red onion, chopped

1/2 red pepper, or green. Hell, add both! And chop em up!

2 cloves of garlic, minced.

1 C sweet potato, chopped to bite-size pieces

1 C your favorite sausage; I chose some farm fresh breakfast sausage from a local farm

1 Dozen eggs, scrambled.

Fresh herbs. I love fresh parsley, basil, cilantro.

Now that you’re prepped, let’s get cookin!

Heat your oven to 425. Coat your pan of choice (preferably cast iron) with coconut oil, add your sausage!! Be sure to turn them a couple times til pretty much cooked through. Once they’re done, put the sausage in a side dish and add your potatoes to the yummy goodness that has started in that sausage pan!! Sprinkle with sea salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper, and a pinch of cinnamon. Roast them! Flip them after about 15 minutes, and stir again after 10 min. They won’t take long because they’re small.

On your stovetop, heat coconut oil in a pan, add onion and cook til translucent. Add your garlic, being sure to toss and keep at a medium to low heat as not to burn the garlic. Add peppers and whatever over veggies you wish! Add all veggies to the pan in your oven, then your eggs and fresh herbs!

Bake for 30 min depending on the size of your pan. Stick a fork in it to check for runny eggs and if it’s clean and no eggy goodness pours out, take that sucker out and grub!! Mmmmm!!

Feel free to leave suggestions or questions 🙂

“Gee I really hope the color bombs in this 5K distract me from my failure to workout”

Hey girl, wanna run this 5K in Aug??

SURE! That will give me plenty of time to …. not run at all in preparation.

Well, thankfully I was surrounded by a group of incredible ladies and one in particular that would stop with me periodically for a quick second to remind myself that one has probably never died during a 5K as a result of being less than active the last month…year. …and then quickly return to my super fast 12 min mile pace haha. 

We’ll call it a kickstart. We can call it a reminder that you have to Stay active to Stay fit. We can also call it a new found use for my yoga mat! Ya know, the one that’s been in my Jeep waiting for me to cover it in sweat and OMs. Well today it was used! No, not for the ladylike downward dog, but as a seat cover while I was a walking rainbow. That threw up. The rainbow threw up, not me, I’m not THAT out of it.

Gosh.

So you may want to know that I made the yummiest quinoa with a lil Mexicano twist 😉 I love quinoa because it’s jam-packed with complex carbs, protein, awesomeness, and zippo gluten! YAY! Guilt-free goodies, oookay!

So here’s the deal feeding um 4 homies or so, depending on how hungry:

2 C of your favorite quinoa. I used white GF because it’s what I have with me while I pup-sit. 

3/4 C yellow/sweet onion, chopped

2-4 gloves of garlic, depending on how wild you are. 😉 I’m so wild, I used 4. And a half. HA!

1/4 C Coconut palm sugar

4 C of water/stock. Or so. I didn’t have stock so I used the organic version of “better than boullion” and water. Only a Tbl or so of “stock” paste. 

Splash o’ lime juice, lil’ zest

Spices: sea salt, black pepper, cayenne, cumin

Sassy additions: fresh chopped cilantro, parsley, whatever fresh herbs you prefer, black beans (are these paleo? no. get over it. they’re good for ya, and TASTY), fresh corn. Whenever I have corn on the cob leftover I like to throw it on the grill for a nice char, roast em up! And toss it in! 

Ok so in your Cast iron pan (or something else if you’re not up on your pan game yet), use a little coconut oil or EVOO. Cook down the onions for about 5 minutes or so until almost translucent. Toss in the chopped garlic. BE SURE NOT TO BURN! You’ll have to start over because burnt garlic is NO BUENO for the tastebuds. Once this is all incorporated and your kitchen begins to smell like it belongs to a grandma from the old country (a cooking g-ma, not a smelly one), toss in your Quinoa. Be sure to stir it up, but let it get a nice toast to it. Then throw in your coconut palm sugar. This is a great compliment to the spiciness you’ll be adding. Toss in your spices, stir it up and incorporate! Then start to add your water/stock, a bit less than a cup at a time. Keeping in on a medium temp. Let the quinoa SOAK up the liquid and cook down EVERY time you add it. Don’t add more liquid until the rest is basically gone. This is kind of a timely process but totally worth it! At the end, rinse your black beans, dice your fresh herbs, and get your corn. Once your quinoa has “puffed” and consumed all the liquid is has an al dente consistency, add the goodies, let it cook in on low for a few minutes. BAM! I had this with a taco salad. Greens, tomatoes, ground chicken sauteed with cumin and salt n pepper, and a drizzle of creamy lime dressing. 

Impress yo’ friends! 

 

 

 

Fat Girl in Skinny Jeans hits the dating scene running. Trips. Falls. Eats dirt, and then Delicious Guac!!

Good morning Strangers!! Yes, yes I know. My phobia of commitment has a tendency to seep into all areas of my life, including the blog. Crap. Is there a pill for that? I kid. Sort of.

Mostly I’ve just been overwhelmed becoming famous…ha. and also dogsitting, and forgetting I have a life outside of baking. Back to the blog!! Woop it up readers!! 

So friends, the time has come, as I’ve gone on dates, met new people and failed miserably at finding someone who wants more than my goodies and less than scary obsessions… I’ve succumbed to online dating. And after a VERY short period of time, I’ve already come to the conclusion that I may just use this investment as material for the blog. And general hilariousness for story time with friends. 

So far my favorites include the following: 

We’ll call Man #1 “Skinny Bitch”. When asked what he looks for in a mate (because we’re potentially going to mate? what?) his answer is: Gorgeous, sexy, successful, a family I will get along with, and very athletic and fit. 

OK Skinny Bitch, yes you’re a bitch even though you’re a boyyy/man. Before you set your preferences to 11 on a 1-10 scale, perhaps you need to grow 6 inches, age another 15 yrs in maturity, graduate, and yes my fam is wacky. We. Would. Never. Work. 

Manchild #2. Though preferences were set to no older than 35, I got you. All 44 years of you. Well if things don’t work, maybe I can set you up with my mom?!

Mr Model match #3. ALL ELEVEN PHOTOS are professionally done. Wait what?! “Hey so I went the Interweb route, so I need to sched a photo shoot asap.” You probably own more hair product. And more starch in your clothing. Never messed with the stuff. Actually if it doesn’t go in the dryer…. who are we kidding, I throw it all in the dryer and hope for the best. AND the clincher. “What are you passionate about?” (Standard question). Answer: Everything. Way to get super deep on that one Mr Model Man. NEXT! 

On another note… a made some Seriously effing delicious guacamole. For lack of originality in the moment we’ll call it Holy Guacamole! Ha! Throw that goodness on a burger, on a chip, on a salad, on a spoon… you catch my delicious drift.

Ingredientssss: 

3 Ripe avocados (when you give em a nice little squeeze, they’re soft yet firm. Like my buttcheeks when I work out), smoosh em, chop em, fork em. Haha fork you. 

1/4 C red onion, chopped

1 clove o’ garlic, chopped

juice/zest of 1 lime, squeeze that baby sliced side against your palm so the sneaky seeds don’t jump in your guac!

1/2 C (or more if you’re wild) Smoked almonds

3/4 C peaches/pineapple/pear/fun fruit of your choice, chopped!

MIX it all up. Grub it up!! (PS eating the whole bowl is probably frowned upon. By someone. Not me)

 

 

 

 

Sweet, Sassy, and a little bit smart assy. Fine. A lot. I’m a lot smart assy, particularly when hungry.

Ever get so super sassy when you’re hungry? It’s the worst when you’re starving, wasting away, and about to just fall over AND you don’t know what you want!!! (though your reserves would probably keep you safe for a solid week. My would.)

I’ll admit it. I am pretty terrible when I’m hungry. I’m worse when all goes black and I eat everything in sight due to not satisfying the hunger cravings, and then after all the darkness has disappeared and I realize what has just ensued. Madness. Sheer fat girl madness. Crap. Good thing there’s always Monday.

SOO for me, in order to keep this demon at bay, though nothing is guaranteed, I try to always stay prepared. My fridge, gym bag, jeep, and pockets (kidding, kind of) are always stocked with yummy goodness. I wish I was speaking of all things terrible but oh so friggin delectable. This isn’t so. Actually, now that my baking business has an official kitchen, I try to keep all of those things out of my house. Well, at least most of them. And for easy grab and go that doesn’t leave me full of fat girl guilt and emotional wreckage? I bake paleo muffins every week. They’re full of protein, complex carbs, and delicious flavor combinations for my sweet/salty loving demon. I also like to keep unsalted roasted almonds, supah wicked dahk chocolate (cacao not cocoa), and nanners on hand. I also try to make sure that I always have the ingredients for a yummy frozen protein shake when the damn ice cream is calling my name. It’s loud. And I can hear it from miles away. Dairy bitches.

Another toughy is breakfast. Eat yo’ breakfast biddies!! A good idea for breakfast prep is to make a quiche, meatza, breakfast casserole of sorts. Fill this bad boy with veggies, eggs, and fantastic seasonings and fresh herbs. Leave out the cheese. I know, it’s sad. It’s more sad (at least for those around me) when I don’t leave out the cheese. You can also make a shake, whether it be whey protein or shakeology or whatever your shake drug of choice is… besides actual drugs. Pack that bad boy with pb, frozen fruit, water, ice, a little vanilla/almond/toffee/mint extract and SHAZAM! Super tricky for the fat girl taste buds and super satisfying.

My last prep suggestion is to cook some things in bulk and freeze them. This way, when you ARE having a jam-packed-holy-crap-how-will-I-get-through-this kind of week, you won’t also be the super sad guilty girl/guy that ate six pizzas, ice cream, grinders, and a couple small children because that’s what was easy/quick/available. (Don’t eat people. It’s super scary, gross, and bad).

On that note, I DID put together a recipe for you. One that I actually made this weekend and divvied up into containers, then freezing half of it.

Ready for it?? CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP!! (Yes, I’m aware it’s hot out. Get over it. Top it will fresh avocado and tomato and simmah down)

Ingredients:

A pair or 2 of chicken breasts on the bone or a Rotisserie Chicken from the market because it’s already cooked and this way you don’t have to turn on your oven. You’re welcome.

2 pints of chicken STOCK (not broth) – if this isn’t homemade then be sure to get the organic/low or no sodium added

3 cans of beans: I like to have a variety; black beans, butter beans, kidney beans, garbanzo, etc.

1-2 Tbl agave nectar, or brown sugar

1 red onion, chopped

1 bell pepper, chopped: I love red/yellow/orange. They’re sweeter and snazzier than green

1 jalepeno pepper sliced ( I don’t chop them because I like the flavor to be in the soup but am too wimpy to actually bite into one, so this way they’re easier to avoid when grubbin.)

1 Poblano pepper, chopped

5 cloves of minced garlic, or less if you’re wimpy

If you have fresh corn on the cob throw it in (cut it off the cob first. obv.) Or sans the corn if you’re super Paleo. Corn has no nutritional value outside of its daily dose of deliciousness.

Also, if you’re snazzy and not on the Paleo bandwagon throw in some Hominy, this will be your “tortilla” part of the soup. Adds texture, thickens the soup.

Cold topping options: Avocado, tomato, sour cream/greek yogurt, sweet potato chips

Directiones: (Yes, I spelled it this way on purpose. It’s a spanish soup, with a spanish title for directions. The rest will be in English because I’m not worldly and I prefer to just judge people with poor English when they actually know several more languages than I. Eh.)

Ok SO, start with a cast iron pot if you have one because I LOVE them. Or a regular pot that will hold the awesomesauce that is this soup.

With coconut oil, saute your peppers and onion on Medium heat. Add your agave or brown sugar. This will give a great sweetness to counter the spicy content of the soup. Cook this down for a while til the onions are just about translucent, unless you prefer a crunchier veg in your soup. Then rinse and add all of the beans and the garlic. Stir to combine. Let these flavors all have a party together while you shred/cut up your chicken. Add the chicken. I also add some skin, or throw the wings in whole to add to the flavor. I remove the skin when serving myself/others. Add chicken stock. Let soup come to a simmer/boil and then lower the heat to low. Add corn and/or tortilla/hominy to the pot. Allow the flavors to really dance in there for a bit before serving. Then Wow your friends by topping each bowl with fresh avocado and tomato and chipsss and sour cream and fresh parsley and and and that’s all folks!

ENJOY!

Who’s ya daddy?? No really, who is your father?

For me, he’s the guy who gave me the big ass. And migraines… genetically speaking of course. 😉

For YEARS, when visiting the doctor’s office for my yearly checkup, the thought that I must be dying because I get WAY too many headaches, or any other misfortune that’s come my way due to my being less than graceful, I have always just gone straight down the No column when asked the million questions about my health/lack thereof. As far as I knew, the only family history to speak of, medically, because the rest is too wonky n I might end up committed, was Thyroid Cancer. So I’d write that and be done with the survey that was supposed to take much longer than the 45 seconds I allotted to it. 

I have a tendency to joke about my parents being selfish in all of their good genes, keeping them to their selves ie: dad’s perfect skin, or mom’s itty bitty frame. And being more than generous with the rest: dad’s badonk-a-donk, giant big toe, big nose, (all normal and fine on men) & migraines along with mom’s bad skin and itty bitty titties (Don’t say that about your mom! geez). Put em together and whaddaya got?! Giant butt, no boobs, bad skin, big nose,  and funny toes. And migaines. As opposed to what would happen had they done it right… itty bitty frame, big ol’ boobies, perfect skin, little nose, nooo headaches. Let’s get back to the drawing board guys!!! 

So as I’m coming up on 30… well 28, but damn near close enough, I’ve begun to love my body for what it is. And when I say that, what I mean is that I’m accepting that this is what I’ve been dealt so Own it girl and shut up. I’ve also begun to actually ask about my family history because as it turns out, these things are pertinent. 

CHECK YO’ HISTORY!!! When you go to the doctor for X, Y, and/or Z, it is probably more helpful if he/she knew you are genetically predisposed to certain ailments/conditions. It will also cost you less as you’ll have less frequent visits trying to figure these things out. Oops. It may sound like I’m bitching, moaning, and rambling, which are all things I’m guilty of doing more often than I’d ever admit, but what I’m saying is actually important, especially when it comes to your health. Taking care of yourself, working out, and eating well must be in ADDITION to knowing where you started so you know what you’re working with and what things you may be at risk for. Like me, I’m certainly at risk for always having a giant ass. Eh, at these it’s fantastic. 

Sidenote: I’m craving Trader Joes Cocoa Almond spread. Mmmmm. (like nutella but I pretend its better for me, especially when going at it with a spoon… or ladle.) 

Oh, and I shaved my head. Many of you lovely readers already know this because we’re real life buds, but for those of you who didn’t now ya do. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and thus is going through chemotherapy. Her very loving and fantastic brother held a huge event for her, where TONS of people came to show their support, whether it be with their presence, donations, shaving their head, or cutting their locks. Once the clippers hit her head, as she went first, I said Awww shit I have to do this. Hair is big deal for girls. Now it ain’t no thang 😉 

Super gooshy, awesome note I’m leaving you with: When considering where you came from (medical history or otherwise) consider those around you. We’re all in this as people. We all need to help each other because dammit you can’t always help yourself. Donate your time, your money, and or your hair. Just be a good doobie. There aren’t enough good doobies out there. Be great. 

 

 

Chickety check thy self, before you wreck thy self!

For those of you who don’t know, I’m in the process of starting up my own business, baking creative cupcakes and gluten fee goodies. During this process, I’ve started working for a local bakery, baking all of their incredible pastries and delicious morsels of yummy goodness for the farmers markets they participate in. I also bake and sell cupcakes to a local BBQ restaurant. Since these activities happen twice a week, in addition to any other cupcake sales that come in, ie birthdays, wedding receptions, etc, I am surrounded by refined sugars, dairy, sweets/salty yumyums, and CHOCOLATE at LEAST half of the week. Holy balls. HOW do I NOT lose my mind??? Well, who says I haven’t?! 

I’m totally the all of nothing kind of person and I’m really working hard on BALANCE. I know that if I continue down the path of Nutella consumption via spoon directly into jar, I will very quickly become unhappy with my physical appearance. But Dammit do I love that sh*t! However, on the other side of the spectrum is the super clean eating lifting machine that I was about a year or so ago. Neither side is perfect for me. I found that designated “cheat days” became binge days because I was trying so hard the rest of the week to resist all things cheesy/chocolatey/salty/sweet/and chock full of gluten. By the time those cheat days came around I was ready for a sundae comprised of ONLY the worst foods available. HURRY! Shovel it in before the day is done!

I was thinner, my wardrobe expanded as my ass finally stopped expanding, and my energy was through the roof. However, I felt stuck in a rut with my cooking and eating with friends who didn’t live my lifestyle. Womp womppp. Balanced? No. 

So knowing this about myself, and the experiences I’ve had on both ends, the other day I said to myself “girl!! you gotta chickety check thy self!! you’re getting a bit too curvy, a bit too sweet, and a bit too sleepy.” So I went to an old friend to start getting my buns back into shape. I know I need to work on my balance, physically and mentally!! I KNOW I need to be kind of a gym rat to feel good inside and out, and so I can eat what I want, within reason, without feeling like a flabby ox. I know I’m not a dainty lady, I’m over it. But dammit, I’ll be a STRONG ox!! 

Working out and staying active usually leads to healthier choices ALL around! I don’t want to throw my face into a pizza when I’m done working out. I can usually eat like a beast when I’m done working out, but I want grilled meats n veggies, fruits, water, etc. Rather than the greasy, cheesy stuff. Thank goodness. So the trick? Stay active. Stay positive. Be happy!! 

Also, the other day I went to get a facial. (A gift that I was SUPER pumped about). It was hot out and I wanted to wear a maxi skirt and tank. I felt a little pudgy, but decided to wear it anyway because it was too hot to layer up and dammit I got myself this way so I need to learn to be comfortable wherever I’m at, knowing that only I can change it. (Yes I wore a skirt because it was hot and my buns tore through my capris and refuses to even consider being shoved into a pair of shorts from last summer). These things happen when you trade the paleo for the nutell-o?

I’ll keep you posted on how the new training sessions are going, as well as the balanced eating. Sometimes I wish my cooking wasn’t so damn incredible. I can’t resist myself after I’ve whipped up a batch of paleo protein/complex carb packed muffins! I also can’t resist the muffins. Neither can my trainer. HA. I’m not the only struggling foodie. Phewf. I am NOT alone. Neither are you!! 

Just make sure that when you’re not happy with yourself that YOU’RE the first thing you check for changes. YOU are in charge of your happiness and your body. 

 

PS. I’m signing up for stART on the street this fall!! A GREAT venue of local artists and food vendors and musicians that all come together in mutual awesomeness. PUMPED! You should be too. If you live in central MA. Ha!